Been feeling so weird lately - a farrago of emotions, hopes and dreams. Suddenly, I'm unaware of what I really want in life. Is it money? Is it company? Is it academic qualification? Is it success? and I wonder now, what the hell defines success in this era. It's indubitably subjective; targetting at the chasm of the mind.
I can say that more than 4 weeks has passed by fairly quickly; and there I'm seeing the grimace of my mid terms - sarcastically giving me that detestable look. and there, in the process of thinking, i sat down in the seat of my lecture hall, wondering why I chose chemistry. There were bounteous teeming choices available for me then, and yet, I chose this path of molecules, reactions and synthesis.
Just as I see my beloved counterparts picking up useful skills like computing, economics and finance or even law - here i am, dwelling in the laboratory (soon-to-be) and manipulating computational molecular models. Once again, I ask myself - is that the path that I really want?
No doubt I wanted teaching. I never will (at least for now) regret my actions in signing on the dotted line. However, why chemistry? and there… this questions simply rang a bell; and it brought me back to the day where I gave a whirl at my interview. but well, I guess there isn't much of a point to regurgitate my answer then here. I remembered how willing I was to trade Chemistry for Biology anytime at Secondary 3; and how impossible my chemistry knowledge were at the epilogue of Sec 2. But well, life really makes fun of me. I'm now majoring in a subject that I once scoffed, then loved, but never yet achieved the best results of out it before.
and here I am - sitting right in the front rows of the year two lectures - staring blankly into the mundane slides that were repeatedly used for the past X years. and there I realized I've put the lid on - so much so that it has become a routine of my life, instead of that "passion" I used to say.
However down and out this might sound, I'm glad it hasn't take a turn for the worse. Although I might be the only Singaporean now in my new tutorial group - i'm glad my capacity to accept haven't reduced. But well, it just seems so weird now - that despite having familiar faces all around me - i'm on my own… and that's my paradox of living abroad - separated by a 13 hour flight and an 8 hour time lag.
To top off the sadness, I've only got my internet ready just yesterday. and that meant that I was almost a "handicap" for the past one month or so. It's drastically sad to have to head to school on a daily basis (even on the weekends) just to do my downloads, MSNs, skyping and well, let's not blather into schoolwork.
and well, I had these wonderful independent experiences of handling all that admin a household should have. Subscribing for a house landline; Opening a Water Account; Opening a Gas Account; Opening an Electricity Account; Subscribing to the Internet Services; Housing Rents; Housing & Lease Agreements; Mobile Phone Maintenance… and all these concurrently with the abounding lectures and tutorials that betide.
and the only motivating factor that I had was honestly - for myself. It's just an undiluted sense of priggishness - one that I knew it was hard and yet I wanted to put myself into. I wanted to learn; for I knew it's either now or later. and much more so if I actually have aims to get a property of my own in time to come.
and now, Balloon Twisting. I wonder how in the right mind did I actually had the idea of opening this society in this foreign land. Albeit that my skills might possibly be of much recognizable standards here, it pales so much in comparison back in SG; and here I'm running the club with two full hands; hoping that it would run well. and well, i can only tell myself dream on. For a millionth time I had thoughts of closing it down, I realized that it was beyond my decision - if it's opened, it's open. and I've got to stand up to those who've given the club recognition by paying their annual premiums. and here, I could pour out so much to whine, bitch and yammer on - but well, that wouldn't bring me any further than I am now.
I shall try what I was once told:
"The tongue weighed practically nothing but not many people can hold it"
and I shall try my very best to do so; though it would almost be an insurmountable task.
and to relieve this load off my chest for a moment, I indulged in movies. loads of movies. loads of sad movies. But yet, none made me cry; and not even tear. It was really weird. Something that hadn't happened before. and I haven't got a clue why. But well, when it came to almost one of the last movie that I watched, Battle Royale I, I amazingly teared bait at some short scenes. Yes, the title was awkwardly untouching, but well, it provoked my thoughts that nettled on my emotions. and well, the show spoke of the fragileness of trust. the five letter word that paints out a picture even bigger than what a 50Megapixel camera photo could possibly print out!.
Apart from that, I went for my first musical of this academic year - Sister Act. As the sound of music musical has took its flight away from london, sister act had readily took up the venue of London Palladium. and wow! It was awesome (and no, i wasn't intending to sound like a native brit here!). Every little part of it was amazing. Though the stage transitions weren't as fanciful as that of Wicked; or the cast as huge as Les Miserables. It was definitely a prodigious experience where I enjoyed every moment of drama right before my eyes.
London Palladium
during the breaks.
the ticket stub.
Well, if there's a musical that I'ld have to watch again, it would only be this or wicked, i guess. and hahaha, just look how costly musical tickets are! and well, to think i manage to get my hands on them at more half price offers. If I'm into musicals in Singapore, I guessed I would be a pauper real soon.
Hmmm, and well, the next two musicals shall be Mamma Mia and Hairspray! Wow! and that's gonna cost me a whooping £44 in total, though the original total price would well hit £120? and now, I know, I don't want to lead a life that answers to everyone; I want to lead a life that answers to myself and only the people dear to me.
Cooking. Yes, the stomach needs to be filled. Thankfully, the cooking group seem to still be teeming with life. and well, despite the unavailability of many resources and so on, we managed to cook, and satiate our hunger to survive a better tomorrow. (zomg, and there i sounded so optimistic). But well, cooking might really be a chore, but well, it's once again a lifeskill - one that *god knows when* might come in handy.
and as unappetizing as some of these pictures may seem, it did what it was served to do. fill our stomachs.
(and haha, my ge-zhua-ness made me so weird effort into decorating my fried rice on the bottom right pic! lolx)
and so well, somehow, I'm a changed person. i'm shall be that inert Helium gas no more; and be that radioactive, carcinogenic mutagen of Uranium.
and there, I doubt if I would still be able to succeed this quote:
"When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling; Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying."
But now, I want to hit the pinnacle of my productivity level.
I've grown out; and I need to grow up.
